Ever.

So i forgot to update like 6 weeks ago that my parents decided it is best- that's not sarcasm, they literally think it's best...- to take me from my church family and my involvement in the worship team and come to church with them. i've learned a lot, the pastor is excellent, but i need my family. So tack that onto the last blog post and pretend i said it at that time with more anger. But now onto the new stuffz.

Almost funny how my parents interpret “Honor your father and mother.” As “Give them whatever they want, even if it’s *~Wrong~*.”
If i’m to Love you, and you want something that is not only bad according to scripture, but also directly harmful and difficult for me, i’m hesitant to give it to you. Which is more respectful?
It’s also ironic that the parent is saying “gimme gimme” and reaching for yummy* cabinet-under-the-sink treats.

(*It’s not actually yummy, it’s just pretty and blue and yummy-looking…)

She also blatantly told me that she would rather i insincerely treated her as if i liked her, rather than what i’m trying to do, which is develop a relationship where we can meet halfway. Even though it’s not really halfway… it would be like 9/10’s of the way for me, but she refuses to give ground :P i think i could focus patience-powers on faking like she wants me to, but the thought of having so unnatural a “relationship” makes me writhe. i would rather be punished for not mocking Love that way. And the more i think about it, the easier that last option sounds.

i make jokes. That's actually how i communicate a lot of the time. Because i've learned what is now my humor, i'm able to surprise myself with my own thoughts. Surprise = basic principle for humor. You needed to know this before i said this next thing.

i see this struggle play in my mind on a theater stage (similar to the blunt and direct interpretations of situations that J.D. from scrubs daydreams about) with my parents fighting this medieval war. They are so intent on breaking me that they're disregarding casualties (on either side), and sending in their inefficiently aggressive black-armored armies and weapons of war with unnecessary protruding spikes in an attempt to overrun my castle with pure evil, only for the sake of breaking it down. It's such a ridiculous image that i can think about this situation in good humor and end up reacting righteously, like the character in my head would to complete the scene. It's easier for me to deal with that way.

On a hopefully closer to encouraging note, my attitude during our talk was soothed in response to my prayer for patience, and i remained calm and after "[the] discussion [was] over" i was able to almost comfortably tell her that i’m working on Loving her, and i won’t give up.

i actually gave her a hug when i told her that… o.O
Long ago i’d recognized that her attitude and beliefs represent the things i most despise and could become aggressively angry about, and because of that, i have literally gagged after hugging her. It’s one of the most awful things for me to deal with to put myself in contact with a person whose mindset and spirit seems so vile.**
i can’t judge her though**; Jesus Loves me enough to reach out to me in spite of sin—which is the foundation for defining vileness--, which i’m full of. i am called to reach out to people like that, and i'm on the same level so i shouldn't pretend that there's a difficult gap to cover =PPPP It's arrogant and stupid to think that i'm not disgusting like that.

(**If i were to have a good reason to decide not to exist anymore, it would be because of the times that i’ve sown hate, and because i’m so adept at it. The point is that i’m not hypocritical that way; i hate that vileness most in myself. i’m able to forgive myself.)

i thank God for Sara, who is easily one of the most significant blessings of and to my entire life, in spite of the amazingly small amount of time i've gotten to know her in.                                  ...And she's totally fiiiiine! (:







1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (cut off in 8)


Love is patient, Love is kind.

It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.



Love never fails.