If you try hard enough to break me, you will. And when you break me, i will still Love you.

i'm pretty sensitive(./?)

So i've been going to Fresno City for a little over a year- this is my 5th semester including last summer-, i'm involved at my church in the worship team, and i'm hoping to become more involved in music in general. i don't do drugs, i don't drink without my parents around, i don't have a girlfriend- but the point is if i did, we wouldn't be having sex-, and i go to church a minimum of twice a week.

i also got a job recently(!!!), which i've been wanting since forever 'cause i thought that's what responsible growed-up people do. It's minimum wage for now, and i don't have that many hours for now, and in order to get more i need to show that i want and can-dle handle more, and i need to be somewhat flexible.
Sooooooooo i decided to take the semester off and commit to working hard at my job so i can get more hours, and also to put more work and thought and time into worship at my church, and music in general (Youtube, Tell-tale poetry, etc.). My dad asked me about it and i told him my plans and he said that he's disappointed that i'm not doing more in school, but he's happy that i have important things to replace it with. In my head i warped that into an "i'm proud of you, son.". Close enough.
i ended up deciding to take a class anyway, because it's early in the morning and one class is easy enough to deal with that i can devote the next few months to the things i actually want to do. It was terribly convenient for me, and i was ecstatic at the thought that i actually desired to do something with my life.

Since i was 15 i've been perpetually beating myself up over not having the drive or motivation to achieve anything my family might consider success- 'til now. i want things for myself. i don't need to achieve these things. Just having goals that i want to pursue makes me happy.

What does not make me happy is my mom deciding that getting a job, devoting myself to worship in music, and achieving personal goals means that i'm screwing up my life. That i'm lazy.

"...when it's legal, i'm going to pack up his stuff and tell him to get the heck out."

i love you too.

So she works her bitch-magic on my dad and he wakes me up at 6:00 A.M. to tell me with his Angry/Determined Father Tone (which is really fucking annoying, btw, for those who haven't heard it) to tell me that i need to take more classes. And if i don't, they'll take my keys, my phone, and do whatever they can to make me miserable. If they can't control me, they'll try to break me. If you try hard enough to break me, you will. And when you break me, i'll still Love you. They can only legally ruin/delay The Start of me for another 8 months-ish.

i don't need to focus on the things i want right now- the things with which i will shape the rest of my life. i can do what i'm told and it could turn out that i'll be more "successful".
But if it ever turns out that i needed this time to grow musically, spiritually, and in character, i could only ever forgive them for what they've done to affect me.
i can uplift a heart with music, or lead another in worship. i can learn discipline, and get a grip on a sound work ethic that i hope to be constantly developing throughout my life.
i could begin to enjoy my life.
Is it stupid of me to doubt that i'm more likely to help anyone with what will be my passable knowledge of Trigonometry (though it's possible) and my inexperienced P.E. Tennis arm?

Smart-ass reader: "But Jesse, God will never prevent you from helping others and growing in Him if you try."

Uhhh shuttup. Trying to rant here. And you have a stupid name, so why should i listen to you?

But yeah, that's true- No circumstance gives me an excuse to do the wrong thing, or even just not do the right thing.
        -jesse

--

Sidenote:
From my family* i've learned how to emotionally and socially distance myself from people, how to deceive, how to hide things, and how to control. This means that i'm capable and unfortunately for everyone somewhat proficient in destroying/preventing any relationship God might want to bless me with/through.
                                          i know how to break people- like i've been broken. 
i learned that relationships are pretty important and that i didn't want to be like my family when i went to my first year at Clovis Christian School and realized that it's not stupid to be sensitive, and it's not weakness to be open. That maintaining relationships is nearly always more important than my pride, my selfish wants, and my fears and doubts. That growing Love is worth getting over character flaws (like my anti-social tendencies xP).

i Love you, friends.

*They didn't do it on purpose.
        -jesse