Ever.

So i forgot to update like 6 weeks ago that my parents decided it is best- that's not sarcasm, they literally think it's best...- to take me from my church family and my involvement in the worship team and come to church with them. i've learned a lot, the pastor is excellent, but i need my family. So tack that onto the last blog post and pretend i said it at that time with more anger. But now onto the new stuffz.

Almost funny how my parents interpret “Honor your father and mother.” As “Give them whatever they want, even if it’s *~Wrong~*.”
If i’m to Love you, and you want something that is not only bad according to scripture, but also directly harmful and difficult for me, i’m hesitant to give it to you. Which is more respectful?
It’s also ironic that the parent is saying “gimme gimme” and reaching for yummy* cabinet-under-the-sink treats.

(*It’s not actually yummy, it’s just pretty and blue and yummy-looking…)

She also blatantly told me that she would rather i insincerely treated her as if i liked her, rather than what i’m trying to do, which is develop a relationship where we can meet halfway. Even though it’s not really halfway… it would be like 9/10’s of the way for me, but she refuses to give ground :P i think i could focus patience-powers on faking like she wants me to, but the thought of having so unnatural a “relationship” makes me writhe. i would rather be punished for not mocking Love that way. And the more i think about it, the easier that last option sounds.

i make jokes. That's actually how i communicate a lot of the time. Because i've learned what is now my humor, i'm able to surprise myself with my own thoughts. Surprise = basic principle for humor. You needed to know this before i said this next thing.

i see this struggle play in my mind on a theater stage (similar to the blunt and direct interpretations of situations that J.D. from scrubs daydreams about) with my parents fighting this medieval war. They are so intent on breaking me that they're disregarding casualties (on either side), and sending in their inefficiently aggressive black-armored armies and weapons of war with unnecessary protruding spikes in an attempt to overrun my castle with pure evil, only for the sake of breaking it down. It's such a ridiculous image that i can think about this situation in good humor and end up reacting righteously, like the character in my head would to complete the scene. It's easier for me to deal with that way.

On a hopefully closer to encouraging note, my attitude during our talk was soothed in response to my prayer for patience, and i remained calm and after "[the] discussion [was] over" i was able to almost comfortably tell her that i’m working on Loving her, and i won’t give up.

i actually gave her a hug when i told her that… o.O
Long ago i’d recognized that her attitude and beliefs represent the things i most despise and could become aggressively angry about, and because of that, i have literally gagged after hugging her. It’s one of the most awful things for me to deal with to put myself in contact with a person whose mindset and spirit seems so vile.**
i can’t judge her though**; Jesus Loves me enough to reach out to me in spite of sin—which is the foundation for defining vileness--, which i’m full of. i am called to reach out to people like that, and i'm on the same level so i shouldn't pretend that there's a difficult gap to cover =PPPP It's arrogant and stupid to think that i'm not disgusting like that.

(**If i were to have a good reason to decide not to exist anymore, it would be because of the times that i’ve sown hate, and because i’m so adept at it. The point is that i’m not hypocritical that way; i hate that vileness most in myself. i’m able to forgive myself.)

i thank God for Sara, who is easily one of the most significant blessings of and to my entire life, in spite of the amazingly small amount of time i've gotten to know her in.                                  ...And she's totally fiiiiine! (:







1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (cut off in 8)


Love is patient, Love is kind.

It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.



Love never fails.

Ass(hat)imilators.

My older brother just moved out of the house without telling my parents. i kinda wish we could've gone out together like Fred & George.

No tears, no angry words, no questions. They were prepared i'm sure, but to take that step is too practical for circumstances that should involve so much emotion.
My parents already have it under control. They told me i'm to have his closet, and they tried to show me that they were establishing control over what is now entirely my room by locking up my computer under the pretense that they were dissatisfied with how i left my jackets on my chair. It was pathetic. And if i could feel sympathy for them it would've been really sad.

It reminds me of bad villains in movies. When villains have evil without cunning. It's just boring xP.

Guess the title.

When i began to drift-
i wasn't half as far as you are now from me.
And when i began to drift-
the thought of separation was all i chose to see.

When i began to drift-
you knew i didn't know,
That if i asked you to take me back,
you'd plead with God to tell you "no". 

When i began to drift-
The Oldest Link began to break.
[i found] The Chain Stretched beyond its worth
won't save itself for one man's sake.

An echo finds its way to me,
as i'm too far to hear raw cries.
i see reflections of a longing,
'cause i'm too far to see your eyes.

The chain you formed to mine
sunk down deep so long ago.
So why do you still try to pull?
As if i'd let the links regrow.

[i now admit] When i began to drift-
there was no pull to lead me from you.
My selfish journey had no course,
its only purpose to undo.

--

Now do you see my choice unmade?
How regret is owed to me?
(The one who would leave what little he had-
For the silence void of dreams.)
My lack of reason to drift at all?-
From the thing that kept me grounded.
For my reason was my home,
And in your hopes my house was founded.

But i traded ground for water,
and my house became this boat.
i didn't bother to leave quietly,
and didn't care to leave this note.

If you try hard enough to break me, you will. And when you break me, i will still Love you.

i'm pretty sensitive(./?)

So i've been going to Fresno City for a little over a year- this is my 5th semester including last summer-, i'm involved at my church in the worship team, and i'm hoping to become more involved in music in general. i don't do drugs, i don't drink without my parents around, i don't have a girlfriend- but the point is if i did, we wouldn't be having sex-, and i go to church a minimum of twice a week.

i also got a job recently(!!!), which i've been wanting since forever 'cause i thought that's what responsible growed-up people do. It's minimum wage for now, and i don't have that many hours for now, and in order to get more i need to show that i want and can-dle handle more, and i need to be somewhat flexible.
Sooooooooo i decided to take the semester off and commit to working hard at my job so i can get more hours, and also to put more work and thought and time into worship at my church, and music in general (Youtube, Tell-tale poetry, etc.). My dad asked me about it and i told him my plans and he said that he's disappointed that i'm not doing more in school, but he's happy that i have important things to replace it with. In my head i warped that into an "i'm proud of you, son.". Close enough.
i ended up deciding to take a class anyway, because it's early in the morning and one class is easy enough to deal with that i can devote the next few months to the things i actually want to do. It was terribly convenient for me, and i was ecstatic at the thought that i actually desired to do something with my life.

Since i was 15 i've been perpetually beating myself up over not having the drive or motivation to achieve anything my family might consider success- 'til now. i want things for myself. i don't need to achieve these things. Just having goals that i want to pursue makes me happy.

What does not make me happy is my mom deciding that getting a job, devoting myself to worship in music, and achieving personal goals means that i'm screwing up my life. That i'm lazy.

"...when it's legal, i'm going to pack up his stuff and tell him to get the heck out."

i love you too.

So she works her bitch-magic on my dad and he wakes me up at 6:00 A.M. to tell me with his Angry/Determined Father Tone (which is really fucking annoying, btw, for those who haven't heard it) to tell me that i need to take more classes. And if i don't, they'll take my keys, my phone, and do whatever they can to make me miserable. If they can't control me, they'll try to break me. If you try hard enough to break me, you will. And when you break me, i'll still Love you. They can only legally ruin/delay The Start of me for another 8 months-ish.

i don't need to focus on the things i want right now- the things with which i will shape the rest of my life. i can do what i'm told and it could turn out that i'll be more "successful".
But if it ever turns out that i needed this time to grow musically, spiritually, and in character, i could only ever forgive them for what they've done to affect me.
i can uplift a heart with music, or lead another in worship. i can learn discipline, and get a grip on a sound work ethic that i hope to be constantly developing throughout my life.
i could begin to enjoy my life.
Is it stupid of me to doubt that i'm more likely to help anyone with what will be my passable knowledge of Trigonometry (though it's possible) and my inexperienced P.E. Tennis arm?

Smart-ass reader: "But Jesse, God will never prevent you from helping others and growing in Him if you try."

Uhhh shuttup. Trying to rant here. And you have a stupid name, so why should i listen to you?

But yeah, that's true- No circumstance gives me an excuse to do the wrong thing, or even just not do the right thing.
        -jesse

--

Sidenote:
From my family* i've learned how to emotionally and socially distance myself from people, how to deceive, how to hide things, and how to control. This means that i'm capable and unfortunately for everyone somewhat proficient in destroying/preventing any relationship God might want to bless me with/through.
                                          i know how to break people- like i've been broken. 
i learned that relationships are pretty important and that i didn't want to be like my family when i went to my first year at Clovis Christian School and realized that it's not stupid to be sensitive, and it's not weakness to be open. That maintaining relationships is nearly always more important than my pride, my selfish wants, and my fears and doubts. That growing Love is worth getting over character flaws (like my anti-social tendencies xP).

i Love you, friends.

*They didn't do it on purpose.
        -jesse